Modern Issues in the Transitions to Parenthood: Using Mindfulness to Stay Connected with Your Partne
One of my clients recently had a baby, and a few months ago she said something to the effect of, “My husband and I are really trying, but even so, it’s really hard to know what’s going on with each other! How on earth do couples stay connected after having a baby?” Such a great question! That sense of not really knowing what’s going on with your partner is one of the main things that can drive disconnection in the immediate months and years after a baby enters a family. Becom
The Attachment Mix Tape Track #3: "How Deep is your Love?" by the Bee Gees
One thing that happened in 2015 is my beloved iPod (the classic) was stolen after someone broke into my car. (Lesson learned – never leave anything of value in your car!) After this, I had one of my first, and I know it won’t be my last, “old person” moments where I learned they don’t make the iPod classic anymore (what?!!) because of low sales. Apparently, everyone’s been streaming their music while I was listening to the good ole mp3 making the iPod somewhat obsolete. So, i
A Shout Out to all Men coming to Couples Therapy! (especially with a female therapist!)
Yesterday I was meeting with my Perinatal Consultation group and our topic for the month was “Postpartum Couples”. We had a really interesting discussion about some of the relationship patterns that we commonly see in couples struggling with the transition to parenthood. Postpartum women feeling incredibly angry with their male partners was discussed at length, as well as the ways men typically respond to the anger directed at them. In my experience, men are generally take
"You scowl because you have indigestion and fourteen people feel inadequate."
As a couples therapist, the question of “fault” comes up quite frequently. Couples in distress are typically wondering – which one of us is “the problem”? Who caused the last fight we had? Much energy is spent either blaming oneself and feeling terrible or blaming one’s partner and feeling angry and hopeless. In Buddhist psychology, the concept of “no self” is something I have found both liberating and confusing, but one piece of this concept that can be readily observed
"To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love" - Thich Nhat Hanh
It’s been far too long since I’ve posted here! I was inspired to start writing again by a disturbing but very educational experience I had recently. A few weeks ago, I attended a conference for psychotherapists to learn a model of therapy called Functional Analytic Psychotherapy. I was expecting it to be a typical conference where there are a series of presentations with me taking notes – like a big classroom. Instead, it turned out to be a VERY experiential conference with
Basic Goodness: The Practice that makes all the difference in conflict
In my 10 week group, The Mindful Couple, we just finished week 5 and in this round of the group I’ve introduced the concept and practice of Basic Goodness. Basic Goodness is a concept in Buddhist philosophy that teaches that all human beings have the capacity to “wake up” to the present moment, and see ourselves and reality in a clear way. The words “basic goodness” translate to “complete – nothing wrong, and nothing lacking, just as you are”. The practice of Basic Goodness i
How do you let go of "being right" during a fight?
Yesterday I saw a clip on Good Morning America about rules to follow when you are fighting with your partner. It got me thinking about how I handle myself in my relationships and the couples that I work with in my practice who are working to improve their relationships. The reality is that most people know these rules already – stay calm, listen to the other person’s perspective, try not to be defensive, etc. We even use these “rules” (or skills really) in other situations an
Listening Passionately: The Five Deceptively Simple Habits to Foster Greater Peace, Intimacy and Co
This past week, I had the honor of being chosen to present at an event called FanFare, a yearly event hosted by a wonderful organization called the Family Action Network. (To check out their website click here: http://www.familyactionnetwork.net/) FanFare is an event showcasing speakers on a variety of parent education topics, and each speaker gets 10 minutes to put forth their best ideas for parents. My topic was related to parenting, but from the angle of the importance of
Guideline for a Healthy Relationship (in a nutshell)
As we approach the new year, I am cleaning out my old day planner and starting a new one (yes, I am old school!) and found a sheet of paper from some notes I took at one of my Bowen family systems consultation groups this past year. The note is short, but sweet, and contains the gist of Bowen’s ideas on cultivating healthy relationships, and I thought I would share them here: 1. Do not attack
2. Do not withdraw
3. Do not defend
4. Stay connected
5. Take responsibility All
Surviving the joys and pains of family during the holidays
Murray Bowen (family systems theorist and family therapist) famously coined the term “differentiation”. Being differentiated means being clear on your own values and principles and being able to tell the difference between a “fact” and a “feeling”. Sounds good, right? Well, Bowen also referred to families as “undifferentiated ego masses”. (always makes me chuckle) In other words, a group of people who make each other anxious; that you love, but who also drive you crazy;