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Intersectionality, Cultural Attunement & Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Intersectionality, Cultural Attunement & Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

I've been thinking a great deal recently about the concept of Intersectionality (for those of you unfamiliar this is the concept of appreciating how multiple identities of oppression and privilege intersect and influence our life experiences). Using myself as an example, I have privilege in my identities as a white, heterosexual, able-bodied and cis-gendered person, and I experience oppression in my identity as a woman. Another privilege I hold is the power, in certain con

Modern Issues in the Transitions to Parenthood: Using Mindfulness to Stay Connected with Your Partne

Modern Issues in the Transitions to Parenthood: Using Mindfulness to Stay Connected with Your Partne

One of my clients recently had a baby, and a few months ago she said something to the effect of, “My husband and I are really trying, but even so, it’s really hard to know what’s going on with each other! How on earth do couples stay connected after having a baby?” Such a great question! That sense of not really knowing what’s going on with your partner is one of the main things that can drive disconnection in the immediate months and years after a baby enters a family. Becom

Attachment Mix Tape Track #5: "You were always on my mind"

Attachment Mix Tape Track #5: "You were always on my mind"

Last week a colleague sent me a link to a blog called “Must Be This Tall to Ride” https://mustbethistalltoride.com/. It’s written by a man whose wife divorced him to his great surprise. The blog is about all the relationship lessons and things about himself he has learned in the wake of this painful break-up. I’m so moved by his courage to share in this way and to look back at the ways he got stuck in a negative cycle with his wife where he ended up dismissing her feelings an

What do you do in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

What do you do in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

I’m always looking for ways to explain and talk about what happens in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) so I was really excited recently when a colleague sent me this clip of a variety show that aired in the early 1950′s called “Your Show of Shows”. Among the sketches, it featured a couple played by Sid Caeser and Imogene Coca. I’m so impressed with the show’s ability to portray the dynamics of a couple having an argument and also make it funny! This clip is a sket

The Attachment Mix Tape Track #3: "How Deep is your Love?" by the Bee Gees

The Attachment Mix Tape Track #3: "How Deep is your Love?" by the Bee Gees

One thing that happened in 2015 is my beloved iPod (the classic) was stolen after someone broke into my car. (Lesson learned – never leave anything of value in your car!) After this, I had one of my first, and I know it won’t be my last, “old person” moments where I learned they don’t make the iPod classic anymore (what?!!) because of low sales. Apparently, everyone’s been streaming their music while I was listening to the good ole mp3 making the iPod somewhat obsolete. So, i

A Shout Out to all Men coming to Couples Therapy! (especially with a female therapist!)

A Shout Out to all Men coming to Couples Therapy! (especially with a female therapist!)

Yesterday I was meeting with my Perinatal Consultation group and our topic for the month was “Postpartum Couples”. We had a really interesting discussion about some of the relationship patterns that we commonly see in couples struggling with the transition to parenthood. Postpartum women feeling incredibly angry with their male partners was discussed at length, as well as the ways men typically respond to the anger directed at them. In my experience, men are generally take

"Your task is not to seek for love...."

"Your task is not to seek for love...."

This past week I volunteered at a conference for psychotherapists learning the model of couples therapy I practice called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). I attended this same 4 day conference approximately 2 years ago when I was learning the model for the first time, and it drastically changed (for the better!) the way I understand couples relationships, as well as how I understand myself and my relationship with my husband. It was really nice to be a volunteer at

"You scowl because you have indigestion and fourteen people feel inadequate."

"You scowl because you have indigestion and fourteen people feel inadequate."

As a couples therapist, the question of “fault” comes up quite frequently. Couples in distress are typically wondering – which one of us is “the problem”? Who caused the last fight we had? Much energy is spent either blaming oneself and feeling terrible or blaming one’s partner and feeling angry and hopeless. In Buddhist psychology, the concept of “no self” is something I have found both liberating and confusing, but one piece of this concept that can be readily observed

Basic Goodness: The Practice that makes all the difference in conflict

Basic Goodness: The Practice that makes all the difference in conflict

In my 10 week group, The Mindful Couple, we just finished week 5 and in this round of the group I’ve introduced the concept and practice of Basic Goodness. Basic Goodness is a concept in Buddhist philosophy that teaches that all human beings have the capacity to “wake up” to the present moment, and see ourselves and reality in a clear way. The words “basic goodness” translate to “complete – nothing wrong, and nothing lacking, just as you are”. The practice of Basic Goodness i

The Mindful Couple: Learning to Live & Love More Effectively

The Mindful Couple: Learning to Live & Love More Effectively

Hi Everyone! It’s been far too long again since I’ve posted and part of the reason for this is that I’ve been hard at work on some new things that I’ll be sharing in January! The first of these is a new group that I am developing with two of my colleagues at The Family Institute called The Mindful Couple: Learning to Live and Love More Effectively. The group will actually be more like a class for couples to attend together and each week we will explore and practice a differen

What to say to get your partner to come to couples therapy

What to say to get your partner to come to couples therapy

A common scenario among couples is that both are aware that they have a hard time communicating about certain things – be it finances, in-laws, decisions around parenting, and numerous others in which people tend to have strong opinions, however, one person in the couple thinks couples therapy might be a good way to improve communication, while the other person would rather have a root canal that subject themselves to a therapy session. How does the person interested in coupl

Does couples therapy really work?

Does couples therapy really work?

I was meeting with a couple last week who are in the assessment phase of our work together in couples therapy. Towards the end of the session, one of the partners asked, “so, does couples therapy really work?” I asked him more about what he meant by “work” to which he replied, “Is it possible for us to be happy together again?” These are both incredibly poignant questions, and I think representative of questions many people have about the value of couples therapy. In order to

The Art & Science of Love-making! The Gottman's new sex blog!

The Art & Science of Love-making! The Gottman's new sex blog!

As a therapist who specializes in working with couples, I have been part of a multi-year training and certification process in Gottman method couples therapy. The Gottman method draws from the research of John and Julie Gottman to help couples learn communication skills associated with satisfaction and emotional safety in relationships so that couples can strengthen their connection as friends and also as romantic and sexual partners. To that end, the Gottman Institute has st

"That's Love Dying"

"That's Love Dying"

I know it’s been out for a bit, but I just saw the film, Blue Valentine. If you haven’t seen it, it’s the kind of film that will really impact you and make you think, though as one critic called it, it may truly by the “feel bad movie” of the year because you won’t leave smiling. The film follows the relationship between Dean and Cindy, both past and present, and gives you just enough detail to have some idea of why they are currently so disconnected, but leaves a lot for t

"I promise to be nice to you, even when I don't feel like it"

"I promise to be nice to you, even when I don't feel like it"

I attended a wedding recently where the bride and groom vowed not only to love each other, but also to be nice to each other even when they don’t feel like being nice to each other. I think this is the most romantic vow I’ve ever heard! It’s also very realistic – if you are in a committed relationship, there are likely times when your partner is seriously annoying. However, at the end of the day, our behavior towards our partner is what “loving” them is really all about. I re

Tough Love - Couples Edition!

Tough Love - Couples Edition!

So, who out there has been watching Tough Love Couples? When I first saw the promo for this show all I could think is, “wow, they really put these couples through the wringer to make for some dramatic tv!”. Not cool. However, then I started watching the show, and though some of the “challenges” they put the couples through can be cartoonish and over-the-top, for the most part the show has a good message for taking care of a relationship. Steve Ward, the deliverer of the Tough

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