Intersectionality, Cultural Attunement & Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
I've been thinking a great deal recently about the concept of Intersectionality (for those of you unfamiliar this is the concept of appreciating how multiple identities of oppression and privilege intersect and influence our life experiences). Using myself as an example, I have privilege in my identities as a white, heterosexual, able-bodied and cis-gendered person, and I experience oppression in my identity as a woman. Another privilege I hold is the power, in certain con
Modern Issues in the Transitions to Parenthood: Using Mindfulness to Stay Connected with Your Partne
One of my clients recently had a baby, and a few months ago she said something to the effect of, “My husband and I are really trying, but even so, it’s really hard to know what’s going on with each other! How on earth do couples stay connected after having a baby?” Such a great question! That sense of not really knowing what’s going on with your partner is one of the main things that can drive disconnection in the immediate months and years after a baby enters a family. Becom
Attachment Mix Tape Track #5: "You were always on my mind"
Last week a colleague sent me a link to a blog called “Must Be This Tall to Ride” https://mustbethistalltoride.com/. It’s written by a man whose wife divorced him to his great surprise. The blog is about all the relationship lessons and things about himself he has learned in the wake of this painful break-up. I’m so moved by his courage to share in this way and to look back at the ways he got stuck in a negative cycle with his wife where he ended up dismissing her feelings an
What do you do in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?
I’m always looking for ways to explain and talk about what happens in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) so I was really excited recently when a colleague sent me this clip of a variety show that aired in the early 1950′s called “Your Show of Shows”. Among the sketches, it featured a couple played by Sid Caeser and Imogene Coca. I’m so impressed with the show’s ability to portray the dynamics of a couple having an argument and also make it funny! This clip is a sket
The Attachment Mix Tape Track #3: "How Deep is your Love?" by the Bee Gees
One thing that happened in 2015 is my beloved iPod (the classic) was stolen after someone broke into my car. (Lesson learned – never leave anything of value in your car!) After this, I had one of my first, and I know it won’t be my last, “old person” moments where I learned they don’t make the iPod classic anymore (what?!!) because of low sales. Apparently, everyone’s been streaming their music while I was listening to the good ole mp3 making the iPod somewhat obsolete. So, i
A Shout Out to all Men coming to Couples Therapy! (especially with a female therapist!)
Yesterday I was meeting with my Perinatal Consultation group and our topic for the month was “Postpartum Couples”. We had a really interesting discussion about some of the relationship patterns that we commonly see in couples struggling with the transition to parenthood. Postpartum women feeling incredibly angry with their male partners was discussed at length, as well as the ways men typically respond to the anger directed at them. In my experience, men are generally take
"Your task is not to seek for love...."
This past week I volunteered at a conference for psychotherapists learning the model of couples therapy I practice called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). I attended this same 4 day conference approximately 2 years ago when I was learning the model for the first time, and it drastically changed (for the better!) the way I understand couples relationships, as well as how I understand myself and my relationship with my husband. It was really nice to be a volunteer at
"You scowl because you have indigestion and fourteen people feel inadequate."
As a couples therapist, the question of “fault” comes up quite frequently. Couples in distress are typically wondering – which one of us is “the problem”? Who caused the last fight we had? Much energy is spent either blaming oneself and feeling terrible or blaming one’s partner and feeling angry and hopeless. In Buddhist psychology, the concept of “no self” is something I have found both liberating and confusing, but one piece of this concept that can be readily observed
Basic Goodness: The Practice that makes all the difference in conflict
In my 10 week group, The Mindful Couple, we just finished week 5 and in this round of the group I’ve introduced the concept and practice of Basic Goodness. Basic Goodness is a concept in Buddhist philosophy that teaches that all human beings have the capacity to “wake up” to the present moment, and see ourselves and reality in a clear way. The words “basic goodness” translate to “complete – nothing wrong, and nothing lacking, just as you are”. The practice of Basic Goodness i
The Mindful Couple: Learning to Live & Love More Effectively
Hi Everyone! It’s been far too long again since I’ve posted and part of the reason for this is that I’ve been hard at work on some new things that I’ll be sharing in January! The first of these is a new group that I am developing with two of my colleagues at The Family Institute called The Mindful Couple: Learning to Live and Love More Effectively. The group will actually be more like a class for couples to attend together and each week we will explore and practice a differen